Friday, May 4, 2007
Friday, March 2, 2007
Importance of the correct Email address
A man checked into a hotel in Australia . There was a computer in his room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived Date: June 3, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.s It is damn hot down here !!
The lady fainted.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived Date: June 3, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.s It is damn hot down here !!
The lady fainted.
The penis asks for a raise…
The penis asks for a raise…
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
In fact holidays and weekends is when I toil the most.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in extremely high temperatures.
_______________________________________
Dear Penis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
As if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
In fact holidays and weekends is when I toil the most.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in extremely high temperatures.
______________________________
Dear Penis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
As if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags
Diary
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my 24th birthday this year, my friend Werner purchased a week of personal training at the Virgin health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh.t too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that b.tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading b.itch . If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the floor, she shouldn't have handed me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner (the Doos), will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a vasectomy!!
Dear Diary:
For my 24th birthday this year, my friend Werner purchased a week of personal training at the Virgin health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh.t too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that b.tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading b.itch . If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the floor, she shouldn't have handed me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner (the Doos), will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a vasectomy!!
The Birthday present
A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:-
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!', she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....
Apparently he is dead now……….
So True !!
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about
the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first!
Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's
gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your
friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
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